After things ended with Jhene’s dad and I, it wasn’t just easy to walk away from what we built or tried to build the last four years of our lives. We would still sleep at each other’s houses. We would still do things together. It’s so easy to say I walked away and never turned back but it was more of us trying to adjust to the changes, especially the girls. The things we did became routine and trying to break away from the routine was the hardest thing to do. It hurt Maleah the most having to adjust to all these changes. She was too young to understand and still is. All she knew was that daddy was leaving and she didn’t know why. When it came to Jhene she was too young to even understand the changes so she just went with the flow. I wondered if Maleah would blame me for him leaving. Once we adjusted to a new schedule, I would sometimes allow Maleah to go with him on the weekends so that she didn’t feel left out when Jhene would leave. She loved him. That was the only daddy she knew and he stuck around as best as he could.
All of this was happening November 2015 – February 2016 and I swear within those months I felt like Maleah was so aware of the situation. She started to realize why she was only able to see daddy on the weekends but it would make her sad because it wasn’t on a consistent basis. It’s crazy to see the effects us as parents have on our children. Maleah always seemed to remind me about all those toxic fights and arguments that me and him had in front of them. All the yelling and crying, she remembered specific incidents and would tell me what she remembered about them. She use too randomly tell “stories” to family about the fights. Kids say the darnedest things! More like kids say the realist shit too.
I use to tell her; “Mommy had to leave because she just wanted to be happy again. She didn’t wanna be sad anymore.” Her response every time was; “I want to see you happy too Mommy.” I pray and hope that if you are parents and you’re reading this blog that you know that it is very important to never show your children these arguments. It really effects their heart and the perfect picture they have of you as good parents and loving people. Although Maleah was there for the majority of those arguments I pray that as she grows older she knows that love between two people is never what we showed her during those bad times. I hope that she pictures all the happy moments we had with each other. The Disneyland trips, family days at the zoo, fun museums and even the simple Chuck E. Cheese days. When things were simple and happy.
Over a year later, we’re in a better place now. Me and him as parents and sometimes us as a family. I’m not saying it’s perfect cus’ trust me, we still fight and argue but we’re getting to a place where coparenting exists. I forgave him for what he’s done to me and learned that whatever choices he makes as a father are his. There’s no controlling that and there’s no begging to make a change. We try to stay out of each other’s lives as much as we can but we manage to come back together as a family for the girls. No amount of damaged done to my heart will ever prevent me from trying to make a good relationship with him for the girls. It’s their hearts that matters most. Mines will heal then I’ll move on.
And when I move on, I’ll know better. Well…. I thought I did.