I believe in second chances. I believe that people make mistakes. I believe that people do wrong just because sometimes they just don’t know any better and need to learn from their mistakes. Am I wrong for that? Am I wrong for believing that there is good in people? Is my heart too big that I forgive too easy? Do I settle because I believe this is what I deserve? So many questions that I use to ask myself back then and today I wonder why I didn’t have those answers until years later. But it all makes sense now.
Obviously, I gave him a second chance and gave him the opportunity to show me that he could be better. Things felt so right. I fought for what I wanted at the time. I fought for the family I wanted. I wanted Maleah and Jhene to see what it felt like to be raised in a home with two parents who love each other and would do anything for them. It seemed so hard to find now a days. People are so quick to fall out of love because there are so many options or they just stop trying. My mindset through this was that I was gonna break that cycle. We were going to let go of the past so we could move forward with our future. I was also afraid that if I did let go of what we had I would never find someone to love me. My heart was set on if I didn’t do anything and everything I could to make this work I would end up alone the rest of my life. Who’s going to want to date or fall in love with a woman who has two kids, with two baby daddies this young? I was so afraid. It was my biggest insecurity. So I pushed myself to believe that he was what I wanted. That he was my happy ending and we would end up happily ever after.
When me and him got back together there was so much he had to prove. So much that I felt like he had to work towards for me to trust him again. It really felt so right. He did everything in his power to show me how much he loved and appreciated me. Being a great father, a great boyfriend and constantly reassuring me that he’d never do something like that ever again. It felt so fucking good. It felt so fucking right.
But guess what? Few months later the cycle started again. Some people never change.