Remember when?

I’ve sat in front of my computer screen for several weeks now staring at a draft that I had been so scared to post. Three years ago I wouldn’t have cared to openly talk about my life and everything I was going through for the simple fact that idgaf and I knew it was relatable to so many people. A lot of people knew about my story and reached out to me with such love and support. I also had an amazing support system which I believe are some of the greatest people in this world and I am absolutely blessed to have in my life. Recently something trigger a memory that brought back a rush of feelings that I can’t seem to get away from. Regardless how well things are going in my life there are still all those events that never seem to fade from my mind. It’s a reminder that it wasn’t easy to get where I am today. To be the mother I am today. The friend I am today. The daughter I am today or to even love as hard as I do today.

But before I dive in deeper about moments that brought me to where I am, let’s rewind back to what happened three years ago. I was pregnant with my 2nd baby with a guy I was in a relationship with for two years, a guy I thought I loved and loved me back unconditonally. Pregnancy was far from planned and trust finding out you’re a little over two months pregnant is a lot to bare when two people aren’t prepared. What made matters worst is to find out the guy I loved was cheating on me with another girl. Being in that position had me contemplating abortion. Second guessing myself if I could possibly be a single mother of two with two different men. I never even thought abortion would be an option but it was the strongest thing on my mind in that moment.  Long story short, I moved forward with the pregnancy regardless my reservations and insecurities. He left and when he left it spun me into a whirl wind of pain, neglect, drama and what I thought was the biggest heartbreak of my life. For the people who knew me then knew how dark of a place I was in. I just thought life wasn’t worth living but I hid it so well to the world. Nothing felt real. I felt so depressed. Felt so alone. Embarrassed. Worthless. One too many times I attempted the unthinkable but I felt like it was God telling me that it wasn’t time yet. He was telling me I’ll make it through this just keep pushing. It’ll be worth it. I prayed it would be worth it. Some of you are probably reading this thinking “She’s over reacting” “She wants attention” “Her situation isn’t even that bad.” and although this is the most cliche thing to say but you can’t possible know what a person’s been through without knowing their story. You don’t know what pain or hurt they’ve even come from before this. You don’t know their strengths. You don’t even know if they’re hiding behind a fake ass smile. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW.  So you sit here and judge and you don’t know how much that even affects people. It damaged me. 

Those are just SOME of the messages I was receiving that fucked with my head. I had close to 50 messages like that in my inbox on tumblr. Although those messages were heartbreaking to read when I pulled up my old blog posts and read those messages again it made me want to blog again. I look back on all those memories and think Holy shit I fucking got through all of that and here I am today doing things I thought I’d never do and being the happiest I’ve been in years. I look back at my past and constantly remind myself that without it I wouldn’t be who I am now. Major shoutout to those people who tried to break me. All you did was make me do better an you’ll continue to watch me be better. 

3 thoughts on “Remember when?

  1. You’ve always been such an inspiring individual! I’m glad you weren’t successful, we still need you here baby girl. I love you!! I’m always here!! Don’t ever forget you have people that love you

  2. I feel you on so many levels. I was with my ex for 5 years and the last two were so emotionally damaging. I felt worthless, my anxiety was through the roof, and my life was going nowhere. I got pregnant and then I lost the baby. All his boys told me he was lucky to have me and it killed me that he didn’t see that. I finally let go and now I’m with someone that loves me and puts as much effort just as much as I do. You’ll get yours, it’s all a part of the process!

    Just remember that just because someone doesn’t SEE your worth, doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth anything! its crazy looking at all the pain you’ve gone through in the past, but it feels even better when you realize those days are far behind you! πŸ’•

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